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Heard During Colonoscopy

The Florida Hoosier — 2012-02-14T09:45:00Z

Heard During Colonoscopy

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

I usually don't do this on the first date.
"Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
"Can you hear me now?"

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
"You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out, you put your left and in and you shake it all about...."
"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
"If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
"Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
And the best one of them all...
"Could you write a note for my wife saying that, in your considered medical opinion, my head is not up there?"

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Things you'd like to say at Work

The Florida Hoosier — 2012-02-12T22:08:43Z

Things You'd Like To Say At Work

I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I'll try being nicer if you will try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I don't work here, I'm a consultant.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you are saying.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Thank you, we are all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you are an artist.

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Joe

The Florida Hoosier — 2012-02-11T09:38:00Z

Joe

Joe, the CEO's most trusted assistant, died in his
sleep one night. The CEO had depended on Joe for
advice on every subject, from sending memos to
wardrobe decisions.

In addition, Joe had been his closest friend. So, it
was understandable that the CEO didn't take kindly
to the droves of ambitious job seekers who wanted
Joe's job.

"They don't even have the decency to wait until the
man is buried," the CEO muttered.

At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the
CEO's side. "Sir," the man said, "is there a chance
that I could take Joe's place?"

"Certainly," the CEO replied. "But you'd better hurry.
I think the undertaker is almost finished."

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Job Application

The Florida Hoosier — 2012-02-09T10:04:00Z

Job Application

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to
McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest
and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But
seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky,
I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael
Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer
and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen
pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday!

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited
to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would
I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT
YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would
be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the
Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who
thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing
that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO
THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

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The Job Interview

The Florida Hoosier — 2012-02-07T10:25:00Z

The Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human
Resources Person asked a young Engineer
fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were
you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000
a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a
package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full
medical and dental, a company matching retirement
fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car
leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

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Back From Christmas Break

The Florida Hoosier — 2012-02-04T10:18:00Z

Back from Christmas Break

It was the first day of school in the New Year, and the teacher, Miss Jones, thought she'd get the class into the swing of things by asking them about something she knew they had enjoyed.

So she asked young Patrick Murphy: "What did you do for Christmas?"

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Miss Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters went to midnight mass and we sang hymns; then we got home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hung up our stockings. Then all excited, we went to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what did you do at Christmas?"

"Well, Miss Jones, me and my sister also went to church with Mom and Dad, and we sang carols and we got home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hung up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

"Excellent, Jimmy," she said, and then turned to the next boy in class. "Isaac Cohen, what did you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year: Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce and drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves. And then we sing 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus'. Then we all went to the Bahamas to snorkel."

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An Emergency Situation

The Florida Hoosier — 2012-02-03T15:32:52Z

An Emergency Situation

A man walks into a store followed by his 10-year-old son. The kid is flipping a quarter into the air and catching it in his mouth. As they continue on someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, and the father starts to panic.

A well-dressed middle-aged and very-serious woman in a business suit is sitting at the coffee bar in the market reading her Wall Street Journal and sipping on her latte. At the sound of the commotion she looks up, puts her coffee down, carefully folds her newspaper and puts her purse on it. Then she gets up from her seat and strolls toward the boy, who is now turning blue.

When she arrives, the woman takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first, but then gets evermore firm. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches from the air. She then releases the boy, hands the quarter to the father, and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son is OK, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before! It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"Certainly not," the woman replies. "I'm a divorce attorney."

Little Johnny Strikes Again

The Florida Hoosier — 2012-02-02T11:04:00Z

Subject: LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN !!

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep.. It was fascinating.

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her hooters are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

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God Vs. Satan

The Florida Hoosier — 2012-01-31T11:02:00Z

God vs. Satan

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Kreme.

And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?"

And Man said: "Yes!"

And Woman said: "I'll have one, too...with sprinkles."

And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them.

And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad."

And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt, all to be washed down with artificially flavored sodas over sweetened with huge amounts of high-fructose corn syrup.

And Man packed on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.

And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy Lycra jogging suits as they sat on the couch all evening.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger, and then asked "Do you want fries with that?"

And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!"

And Satan said: "It is good."

And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

Satan chuckled and created HMOs.

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Philanthropy

The Florida Hoosier — 2012-01-28T11:05:00Z

PHILANTHROPY

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz
Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the
acoustics.

He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after
Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"
"No," replied the guide.
"It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."

"Never heard of him. What did he write?"

"A check", replied the guide.

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The Army of God

The Florida Hoosier — 2012-01-26T11:10:00Z

Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always
Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the congregation
departed.

The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these
words at him: "You need to join the Army of God!"

Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."

The rabbi questioned: "How come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and
Yom Kippur?"

Moishe whispered back: "I'm in the secret service."

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Fine Art Prints.

Meal Time on El-AL

The Florida Hoosier — 2012-01-24T11:12:00Z

MEAL TIME ON EL-AL

It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al.

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.

"What are my choices?" Moishe asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

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The Parking Place

The Florida Hoosier — 2012-01-21T11:07:00Z

THE PARKING SPACE

Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting, he's looking for a parking place, and can't find one.

In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: "Lord, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbos, and all the holidays."

Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one!"

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The Sinking Boat

The Florida Hoosier — 2012-01-19T11:01:00Z

THE SINKING BOAT

Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat
starts sinking.
Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim
so well."
Morty remembers how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard
class when he was just a kid, so he begins tugging Saul toward shore. After
ten minutes, he begins to tire.

Finally about 100 feet from shore, Morty
asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?" Saul replies,
"Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"

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The Ctitzenship Test

The Florida Hoosier — 2012-01-17T11:03:00Z

THE CITIZENSHIP TEST

Saul Ebstein was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second Language class.He was asked to spell "cultivate," and he spelled it correctly.
He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile, responded:"Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home."

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The Bad Day

The Florida Hoosier — 2012-01-14T11:02:00Z

Yesterday I had an appointment with my doctor and he asked me what I did yesterday,
So I told him about my day:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from
an angry 14 point buck in the heavy brush, marched up and down a steep hill,

stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped

away from an aggressive rattlesnake, then outran an alligator!"

Inspired by my story, the doctor said,

"You must be an awesome outdoors-man!"

"No," I replied, "just a bad golfer."

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The Tooth Ache

The Florida Hoosier — 2012-01-12T11:10:00Z

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.

"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

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How to Explain Enron to Your Kids

The Florida Hoosier — 2012-01-10T11:07:00Z

How to Explain Enron to Your Kids

Feudalism - You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism - You have two cows. The government takes both, hires
you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Communism - You have two cows. Your neighbors help take care
of them and you share the milk.

Totalitarianism - You have two cows. The government takes them
both and denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army.
Milk is banned.

Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and
retire on the income.

Enron Venture Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell three of
them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened
by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap
with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,
with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows
are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company
secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all
seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the
company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

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Mormon Plane Crash

The Florida Hoosier — 2012-01-07T11:04:00Z

Mormon Plane Crash

Two men crashed in a private plane on a South Pacific Island: a Mormon and a Presbyterian. Both survived without a scratch.

Tim, the Presbyterian, being a practical fellow, brushed himself off and then proceeded to run all over the island to see if they had any chance of survival. When he returned, he rushed up to the Mormon and screamed, "This island is deserted! There is no food or water. We are going to die!"

Don, the Mormon, leaned back against the body of the wrecked plane, folded his arms and responded: "No we're not. I make over $250,000 a week."

Presbyterian Tim grabbed his friend and shook him, "Listen to what I am saying, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die!"

Don, unruffled, again responded, "No, I make over $250,000 a week."

Mystified, Tim was near hysteria. "For the last time, I'm telling you we are doomed. There is no one else on this island. There is no food. There is no water. We are, I repeat, we are going to die a slow and agonizing death!"

Unfazed, Don grabbed the Presbyterian firmly, looked him the in the eyes, and said firmly: "Hear what I am telling you. Do not make me say this again. I make over $250,000 per week and I tithe to my church. My bishop will find us!

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How Job Applicants Speak, and What They Really Mean

The Florida Hoosier — 2012-01-05T11:00:00Z

How Job Applicants Speak, and What They Really Mean

"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL
SITUATIONS,"
Really means: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take
lots of coffee breaks.

"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON
MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS,"
Really means: I talk too much and like to tell other people
what to do.

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER
OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION,"
Really means: I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARDWORKING AND DEPENDABLE,"
Really means: I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE
INCLUDES,"
Really means: I hope you don't ask me about all the
McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK,"
Really means: I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE,"
Really means: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to
co-workers.

"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE,"
Really means: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere is better.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL,"
Really means: I carry a Franklin Planner.

"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH
YOUR REQUIREMENTS,"
Really means: You're probably looking for someone more
experienced.

"I AM ADAPTABLE,"
Really means: I've changed jobs a lot.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED,"
Really means: The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.

"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING,"
Really means: I'm a college dropout.

"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND
CONSIDERATION,"
Really means: Wait! Don't throw me away!

"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM
YOU SOON,"
Really means: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for
your stupid form letter thanking me for my
interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

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